Tuesday, November 23, 2010

it's all in your head.

Forget about your life situation for a while and pay attention to your life.

Your life situation exists in time. Your life is now.

Your life is real.

Find the "narrow gate that leads to life". It is called the Now. Narrow your life down to this moment. Your life situation may be full of problems - most life situations are - but find out if you have any problem at this moment.

Not tomorrow or in 10 minutes, but now. Do you have a problem now?

When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.

-Page 31, Practicing the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.


Monday, November 22, 2010

today i dont feel like doing anything

having the monday blues?

listen to the lazy song! :)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Last Lecture

i've read this book and i LOVED it.
a must read for everyone :)

below is a forwarded email i received on the summary of the book.

This is amazing, Randy Pausch 47 yrs old, A computer Sc. lecturer from Mellon Universityhe died of pancreatic cancer in 2008, but wrote a book "The last lecture” before then, one of the bestsellers in 2007. What a legacy to leave behind.
In a letter to his wife Jai and his children, Dylan, Logan, and Chloe, he wrote this beautiful "guide to a better life" for his wife and children to follow.
May you be blessed by his insight.



1. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment
3. Don't over do; keep your limits
4. Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip
6. Dream more while you are awake
7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present
11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you
12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.
Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
13. Smile and laugh more
14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.


15. Call your family often
16. Each day give something good to others
17. Forgive everyone for everything
18. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
19. Try to make at least three people smile each day
20. What other people think of you is none of your business
21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.


22. Put GOD first in anything and everything that you think, say and do.
23. GOD heals everything
24. Do the right things
25. However good or bad a situation is, it will change
26. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
27. The best is yet to come
28. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful
29. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it
30. If you know GOD you will always be happy. So, be happy.

While you practice all of the above, share this knowledge with the people you love, people you school with,
people you play with, people you work with and people you live with.
Not only will it enrich YOUR life, but also that of those around you.


Thursday, November 11, 2010

blogger template.

okay im sick of this template already.


i want to touch the depth of your soul
with my words massaging your heart
and tickle your mind with a poem or two
a sonnet, maybe some letters to you
oh, the truth is
i just want to be in your arms.

Cleaning up my soul.

There are things that have to be forgotten if you want to go on living.

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There is an explosion inside of me. Words, thoughts, lyrics and unfinished poems.

Wish I have all the time in the world to write them down.

Or just stare into space and enjoy watching the arrays of words dancing before my eyes.

Oh well :)

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Our souls collide
My dreams are now real
And for us, time stands still.

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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

i may look calm.
but in my head ive killed you three times.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

thinspiration part nine.

dont tell yourself "i can start tomorrow".

tell yourself "i will start today".
and then tomorrow it will be two days, and then three.

and it will get easier.

tell yourself "im going to wake up lighter tomorrow than i did today".

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Face the facts.

You're a little too old to be hiding around the bushes.

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Monday, November 1, 2010

pass me the cook book.

i need to learn how to cook.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

uptight much?

yo yo yo yo yo yeah imma talk like this imma pretend im a knee-grow cuz im flyyyyy like that.

okay scratch that.

i realized ive been uptight lately, lol silly grumpy old me.

but imma get my mojo back.

you just wait.

or dont.



Monday, October 25, 2010

goodbye posters, hello empty wall.

found a paper cutting that says,

- give others compliments
- accept compliments
- figure out what you want out of life and go get it
- be around people who encourage your goals

- put yourself down
- worry about nothing
- hang around with people who bring you down

some things are just gotta be told no matter how simple, eh? ;)

oh look, thats a picture of me graduating kindergarten in indonesia. i still look the same right? see, told yah, i havent aged even a day :P

goodnight, xx


You gotta grow up at some point.

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I'm so happy I want to remember this forever :))

New jeans, new me ;)

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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Bride-to-Be, Part 3: Lights, Camera, Action!

my engagement day is just around the corner, and how the pictures will turn out is what i worry about the most lol yeah, yeah, i am a bimbo, waddupppp.

so ive been practicing in front of the mirror - ive been trying to find my better side, sucking my tummy to see whether that will make me less fat or not, smiling w mouth open, smiling w mouth closed, tilting my head to the right, and then left, and then right again trying to hide the double chin, and tons of other embarrassing poses id rather not expose.

after 2 hours of googling, i have decided to compile a list of tips that can help me and you looking your best on your wedding day :)

1. camera alert.
every bride-to-be wants to be captured when she is at her best / ayuest / lembutest / kurusest / etc., trust me i want that too, but try not to be too alert of the camera. its okay to look at the photographer (main photographer only, ignore the rest) once in a while just to have an idea where you should look but try keep your body relaxed. we dont want to look stiff do, we? ;) and oh, please keep your face level to the camera. chin up will result in capturing your nostrils more than it should, chin down pula will accentuate your double chin.

2. work with your posture.
standing or sitting down, always always keep your body straight. you will look shorter and fatter slouching. plus it will be a lil hard for your guest to see what youre wearing :P and if youre standing, try to avoid standing w both your legs straight. bend your knees and point your toes, you will look sexy w an innocent overtone.

dont forget to bend your knee, ladies!

3. expression.
tell the world your love story, smile sincerely and show the admiration in your eyes. bak kata tyra, haruslah smizing kan ;)

gosh i wish i will look as calm and as ayu as her. shes so purrdyyy.
p/s: @hushpls once told me not too smile besar sangat, nanti orang kata gatal. and jangan senyum kecik sangat nanti macam murung pulak haha

4. relax your shoulders.
people tend to tighten and raise their shoulders when they are nervous. it makes your shoulder appear narrower than they really are, your neck seems shorter and worse, i will make you look fuller especially when youre sitting down. you will be fine, let your shoulders fall naturally :)

i tend do this all the time :(

5. get your elbows away from your body.
if you pose w your elbows touching the sides of your body, your arms will get squished and look even bigger. just move your elbows slightly away from your sides, creating just a small separation between your body and your arm so people will notice the cut-in of your waistline in your photos, and this makes you appear slimmer. yeayy!

dont squish them chubby arms, hidayah!

6. be yourself.
most importantly, just be yourself. be natural and umm dont forget to train your partner as well :P

but then again, just be you. youre most beautiful when youre confident of yourself anyway ;)

okay i must admit that im panicking a lil bit now. need to start practicing pronto so i will look like a pro. and lets get this right, a good photographer captures moments, rather than the poses :)


Bride-to-Be, Part 2: Wishful Thinking.

this is super cute.

can i have this at my wedding? friends, start practising! ;)

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Why I should be dating an Italian man.

I like to be loved obviously.
I like hearing the words 'I love you' and will never get tired of it.
I liked being touched, caressed, hugged every waking hour.
I don't mind seeing a man beings sad, admitting his fault and crying over his failure.

I'm just sick of all this ego shit.

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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

drama, love and relationships

Its not about who is right, or who is wrong
Its not about who's weaker, or who's stronger
Its not about who's innocent, or whose fault
It ain't really about that kind of thing at all
Its not about who does it, or done it, or did it to whom
Don't matter if the both of you lose
Its really not bout nothing, except for me and you

Its all about drama, and love, and relationships
And when the going gets tough, you deal with it
And you don't ever, you never walk away from it
You hold on, and be strong
Its all about drama, and trust, and making it
If your somebody, mess up, you take it in
Don't let nobody come between you, you just stay with it
And hold on and be strong
And hold on

Its not about the stupid things that we say
We're always saying stupid things anyway
Its not about the secrecy or the lies
Everybody has got a secret to hide
Its not about who was he, or was she, who's creeping on who
Wont matter if the both of us lose
Its really not bout nothing, except for me and you

Its all about drama, and love, and relationships
And when the going gets tough, you deal with it
And you don't ever, you never walk away from it
You hold on, and be strong
Its all about drama, and trust, and making it
If your somebody, mess up, you take it in
Don't let nobody come between you, you just stay with it
And hold on and be strong
And hold on

Ain't bout your pride
Ain't bout yourself
Its about the two of you, and no one else
Ain't about the hurt
Ain't about the lies
Ain't bout the crazy things that's running through your mind
Its bout the love thats supposed to last and never die

Its all about drama, and love, and relationships
And when the going gets tough, you deal with it
And you don't ever, you never walk away from it
You hold on, and be strong
Its all about drama, and trust, and making it
If your somebody, mess up, you take it in
Don't let no body come between you, you just stay with it
And hold on and be strong
And hold on

just hold on and be strong.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Monday, September 27, 2010

lyrics mania.

okay, get this.

i can get lyrics like:
  • i kissed a girl and i liked it (well whatever makes you happy, miss)
  • i want your ugly, i want your disease (some people likes filthy stuff, that explains the meat dress)
  • can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars (even though it kinda suggests that airplanes should fall out of the sky just cuz some people would like to say a prayer, but owkayyy the word 'pretend' is a saving clause)
  • when i see your face, theres not a thing that i would change (errrr okayyyy thanks for the effort :P)
i dont mean to criticize all songs - i do know that theyre meant to merely entertain, or provide an escape or something.

but - i love the way you lie?

dude thats the stupidest thing i have ever heard.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

thinspiration part seven.

pssstttttt, waking up skinny is worth going to bed hungry ;)

Friday, September 24, 2010

Keep calm and pray for the best.

Some people find it hard to believe that sometimes we have financial problems. Prolly because I am me, and zimster is zimster, and we may look like we live life lavishly (well maybe we did at some point), but we, too, like any other human beings face some financial problems. Please don't forget the little fact we don't own what our parents have, we only have the privilege of using them once in a while.

And if I could have it my way (and all the money in the world, of course), I want to get married in Rome and have Paolo Nutini sing at my wedding. It will be on a sunny day when the sun ray seeps through those romantic looking buildings, beautiful people chatting away while munching on yummy food :)

But I can't have it my way, and I don't have all the money in the world :P

However, I am thankful for the great friends that I have, those who understand, who doesn't judge and who are willing to help when I'm in need. I may not have tons of money, but I am surrounded w lots of love, and that's enough to make me happy. Thank you great friends, I love you so much <3

I hope everyone in the world have such good friends like I do ;)

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

thinspiration part six.

ive posted this before, but i'll do it again cuz theyre just too cute ;)

oh so true.

You eat, you’re fat. You don’t eat, you’re a freak. You drink, you’re an alcoholic. You don’t drink, you’re a pussy. You read, you’re a nerd. You don’t read, you’re stupid. You tell a secret, you’re an attention seeker. You don’t tell a secret, you’re still seeking attention. You let someone in, you’re easy. You don’t let someone in, you’re too uptight. You smoke, you think you’re cool. You don’t smoke, you’re a loser. You’ve had sex, you’re a slut. You haven’t had sex, you’re a frigid little bitch. You wear make up, you’re a slag. You don’t wear make up, you’re ugly. You can’t please anyone, EVER!

but only if you think too much ;)

Monday, September 20, 2010

Fatherly love.

The thing I like about going to work every morning is being able to hug and kiss my dad.
Masa tu je both of us tak control macho :P

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Saturday, September 11, 2010

Sometimes all I wanna do is lock myself in my room and cry my eyeballs out till I fell asleep.
And then wake up as a hilary duff the morning after.

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Thursday, September 9, 2010

I wish I don't have to wait anymore.

But I do :( *counting days*

Anyway, not being able to weigh myself every morning and night here in kampung is making me worried and a little more obsessed about not eating sampai dah kena marah w mother. Tapi ugh geramnya tak sedap hati not knowing how much I gained or lose today. I'm so scared :(

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Sunday, September 5, 2010

Bride-to-Be, Part 1: Planning to Plan.

hello :)

so i have decided to write a journal on me becoming a bride *excitednervousexcited* yup, discussions have been made, some things had been agreed upon by both parties, hence the engagement day is coming soon. we are now waiting for the confirmation of the date from zimster's side but InsyaAllah, the merisik/tunang (engagement) day will be in early october. yeayy :))))

im a hug fan of lists (whether i refer to them or not is another matter teehee), so im going to share w you my mental checklist before i start planning everything else.

1. evaluate yourself.
it is important for a bride-to-be understand herself first before going on a search for vendors for her perfect wedding. please take a look at your bank account(s) and do a realistic rough budget. from here, you will be able to decide whether you have enough or you should be saving your money. it is also crucial for a bride-to-be to evaluate her physique and then decide whether you need to lose weight or gain some. these two areas need to be looked at waaayyy before the planning begins. lets face it, saving money and losing weight takes time =/

2. do a lot of research.
thanks to the internet, you can find just about anything on weddings within just a few clicks. spend some time to do some research, and maybe stalk a little bit :P read those bridal blogs, browse through those wedding photography websites and check out those wedding related blog shops. do some analysis on the trend as well, and please dont dont forget to keep an eye on the cost ;) but bare in mind, every lady is unique in her own way. not everyone looks good in a tube dress, and not everyone can afford cosry. a realistic approach is the way to go :)

3. include parents in your planning team.
i had everything mapped out, i even have two wedding scrapbooks. i had everything on my mind, the type of dress i wanna wear, the theme, the ring, the decoration, the favors, even the words on the invitation cards. but when the words reached my parents, poof, everything is gone and i have to start my research all over again. i hope someone told me this earlier; your wedding is their wedding too :P especially when youre the first daughter to get married. my mum had her own vision of the wedding, and dad has his own. expect arguments, there is no easy way in tackling this. be rational, show them as many pictures (real weddings are more convincing) as you can and update them on the current styles. be prepared to give in, and umm if dad is paying, he does have a say lorr haha discuss w the parents before booking any vendors to get their approval. dont be a bridezilla, we have to respect our parents AND our partner's wishes too :)

4. create a timeline.
it is highly advised for a bride-to-be to create a timeline. sometimes we get carried away w work and some other stuff and the next thing you know, youre left w 4 months to go. please bare in mind that popular vendors are usually booked out even up to 6 months ahead. plus, last minute planning will add stress and wrinkles and eye bags to your face. we dont want that, do we?

5. keep calm and carry on.
last but not least, please dont panic or freak out and run around like a headless chicken everytime something doesnt work out. okay okay, youre allowed to panic for 2 hours, we are all humans after all. and female too, so panicking is our first reflex :P but thinking is more efficient when youre calm and collected so take a deep breath, and think of a solution as soon as possible. crying or whining the whole day wont get you anywhere. remember, time stops for no bride.

okay, thats all for now. hope you find this useful :)


Thursday, September 2, 2010


oh no, its september already?

im running out of tiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

its all about buble.

havent met you yet

this love (maroon 5 cover)

Monday, August 23, 2010

Hobbity hobit.

I picked up a new habit these last couple of months (okay to be honest I have started doing this since last year), which is (drumroll) reading bridal blogs. You know, those blogs written by bride to bes?

It is definitely beneficial for me as I could see tons of options and I could compare actual results and explore my preferences. Its also a good learning curve so when the time for me to plan for my wedding comes, I'd be well equipped w all the bride to be to-dos.

But sometimes (okay most of the time, really) reading their progress makes me sad. And jealous. Unfortunately, I'm just too nosy so I keep on coming back to see their progress/reviews. And I'll end up feeling depressed w a page full of notes and drawings in front of me.

Oh well, I guess I will just keep on waiting and praying. Could you kindly pray for me too, please? I hate to say this, but time is running out. I really really would like to have my dad marry me off to zimster. And he's (dad, not zimster) getting weaker and weaker day by day ;(

No, that's not the main reason I want to get married soon. We've been together for 6 years and we are sooo freaking ready. Like, what else is there? I hope all the roadblocks will clear up soon so I could peacefully path my way to the altar. InsyaAllah.

Thank you for reading, I have been wanting to talk about this for so long but couldn't bring myself to it. I'm just too ashamed by my fortune (lack of it, duh) in this department. Everytime the topic comes out my eyes would be ever ready to cry me a river LOL dramatic, I know.

I hope good news will magically sprung itself before raya so when nosy relatives ask about when I'm going to get married at least I will have an answer. I pity my parents whenever they were asked questions about this. They don't know, how would they know? Leave them alone, please. Well, the fact that everybody in my world knows that I've been in a relationship w the same guy for 6 years is not helping, of course. Oh whatevs. Que sera sera.

Owkayyy I better stop now or this could go on forever.

Have a nice day, sweethearts :)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Saturday, August 14, 2010


Dear food in my tummy,
Please vanish into thin air.
Thank you.

waiting sucks.

especially when the person youre waiting for is taking his own sweet time in getting to where you are.
oh well.
and the wait continues.

Friday, August 13, 2010

the voice within.

"just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, doesnt mean they dont love you w everything they have."

umm thats what my inner self just told me.
yeah im that weird, i talk to myself and myself talks back sometimes.
i say, hmm okay.

acapella okay?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

high expectations.

i have such high expectations for every day and they all turn out the same.
now im starting to think that it's just how life is and that's fine.
if it really is true that each day is a close replica of the previous, i just have to make sure that each day is well spent and then i wont have much to regret.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Super weekend.

Movies I watched:
-there's something about mary
-madu 3

Places I went:
-subang parade
-subang airport
-jalan changkat
-petaling street (for the first time in my life)
-lookout point (also first time)
-the curve

Things I did:
-watched some good tv
-kepoh lunch at dave's deli
-romantic dinner at havana
-walked about petaling street (bought nothing)
-climbed the stairs and breathed the chill air at the lookout point
-slept for more than 9 hours (both saturday and sunday nights)
-karaoke at redbox w liz and @hushpls (third karaoke session this week)
-fetched the parents from kampung at the airport
-had a fight w abikizal cuz he messed about w my stuff
-threading (second time in my life)
-had ice cream from baskin robbins (chocolate and strawberry cheese cake)
-watched the first half of the charity shield match
-gained 2kgs

I had time for myself, had an amazing date w the boyfriend, took siblings out to lunch and hung out w friends. Yeayy :)

Friday, August 6, 2010

Simply marvellous.

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Thursday, August 5, 2010

thinspiration part five.

you wont get there by making excuses.
you wont get there by feeling guilty about a binge.
you wont get there by eating the food you know are bad.
you wont get there without exercising.
you wont get there while just thinking about it.
you wont get there while just by imagining it.
youll get there by doing it.

note: check out my thinspiration series if youre into this. links are on the right column.

Monday, August 2, 2010


piloxing = pilates + boxing.

its quite similar to my aerokick classes, but this one requires more stretching while boxing and kicking. hence, more toned body.

fun eh? ;)

Life is a battlefield.

My everyday battle is to remain calm.

And oh, to resist food :P

Sunday, August 1, 2010

wishful thinking.

i feel under utilized, but i have no energy left to keep this going.
i wonder if just stop trying, will things be the same?
better? or, worse?
but like my good friend always said to me, im too scared to try something new. so ill just continue doing whatever im doing now and keep a straight face.
i wish i am some independent, strong and self sufficient lady. someone who is able to exist without regular doses of romance or flattery from her partner. someone who would gladly receive love and affection whenever offered, but would step aside and take care of herself whenever her partner drifted off into his own universe until he misses her again.

anyway, i wish we dont have three fish ponds and a aquarium around the house. and oh, two turtles. or tortoise, whatever.
cuz i want a cat. i have this need of being w someone at all times. yeah im that clingy.
so im guessing ill be happier if i have a cat on my own, so we can cling to each other at all times. the idea of having someone i can talk to, without having the other party talk back is kind fun too haha

till i become strong enough to be a self feeder as described above, im going to continue to whine here in my blog, and believe that the beautiful picture on my mind will come true one day :)

song of the day:

Friday, July 30, 2010


I have been waiting for tomorrow for the past 2 months, and here it comes, just a few hours away and I am drenched in anxiety.

I'm sorry the reason is too personal for me to reveal, but rest assured that tomorrow will be a new beginning for me.

There are thousands of possibilities parading in my head, presenting itself one by one as if they're models posing at a casting.

I will be fine no matter what, right? I will be okay, I know I will. Even if I fall into an endless emotional black hole, please don't stop holding my hand, will you? YOU are my support. Yes you, the one who is reading this right now. You're reading this because you care and I thank you.

Anyway, this is weird for me to say but for once in my life, I hope I was wrong about all of this and that tomorrow, I will be the happiest girl on earth. We'll see :)

Have a nice weekend, everybody.
Talk soon, xx

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Things that made my day.

-clear blue sky
-the beach
-cows crossing the road
-plane rides
-victoria secret

and the one that I will always remember, a conversation between me and the bf when he picked me up from the airport.

"Awak miss kita tak?"
"Miss" *smiled and squeezed my hand*

Ahhh, I'm a happy girl today :)

Hope things are well w you too.

Monday, July 26, 2010

i dont care if it hurts,
i want to have control,
i want a perfect body,
i want a perfect soul.

Friday, July 23, 2010

How to have a simple life.

I figured this out today. And I'm blogging about it so I could remember this always always.

When things get hard, do what the good girls do: pretend as if nothing happened.


Thursday, July 22, 2010


i stumbled upon this website (http://www.calorieconnect.com) while i was browing for some thinspiration last week.

so created an account on monday and decided to give it a shot.
i have recorded my starting weight, my target weight, everything i ate, and my exercise routines for the last four days.

and this is my profile for today.

it made my day :)

thinspiration part four.

okayy, enough pictures of pretty girls. lets get real.
i found some thinspirational before & after pictures of real people.

seeing these photos make me believe. ready to be inspired?

go! ;)


let's be healthy and pretty! :)


i realised that i dont say thank you enough and i want to change that.

i would like to thank YOU for giving me endless support. you are my rock.

i received quite a number of text messages, emails, phone calls, twitter replies and DMs lately. most of them regarding my dad and how was i coping w it, some were about my weight loss drama and some were simply checking on how i was doing. some even asked me about my dad face to face at a wedding, which i must admit, almost made me choke up in tears but i managed to control macho haha (phew). (if youre my close friends, youd know that i dont talk about my dad except here on my blog).


may God bless you all :)


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

skin care.

im thinking of changing my skin care line. any recommendations?


a sneak peak into the darkest side of my life.

its about my dad. if youre an existing reader, youd know that my dad is a sick man. he's a renal failure patient, and has to go for dialysis 3 times a week (mondays, wednesdays and fridays - 4 hours per session).

something happened last friday. below is an email (edited) i sent to a friend of mine, whose mother just started dialysis a couple of months ago.

sorry, im too lazy to write it properly.


Hi KT,

Sorry I didnt get to email you yesterday. It was kinda hectic here.

Anyway, my dad went for his dialysis session last Friday, as usual. He fell asleep, my mum was sitting on front on him, reading.

But after awhile he had a seizure, foam was coming out of his mouth and he passed out. His face was pale, his body was cold, doctors, nurse and everybody was panicking and asked him to say a prayer (mengucap) but he didnt respond. Doctor pressed his chest a couple of times but to no avail. Then the doctor gave him a glucose shot and a few minutes later he was awake.

The cause? One of the needles was loose so blood was trickling out for god knows how long. The blood went through his shirt, his pants and then goes under the chair. And there was a huuuuuugeeeeee pool of blood. its like someone spilled a bucket of blood on the floor. Doctor said he lost about two pints of blood.

So I rushed from home bearing a fresh set of clothes and all that. when I got there my dad was just awake. He was soooooo weak and cold and panting. Changed his shirt, and moved him to another machine. KT, it was bad. There was blood everywhere, and im not exaggerating, the pool of blood was hugggeeee. I wanted to take a picture but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Hazim almost cried. The blood must have been trickling for about an hour, but nobody noticed. And theyre not all liquid, some of them are half solids, like mucus or something. Half of his shirt was drenched in blood. Pants also. his blood was everywhere, his pillow, his blanket, and on the floor.

And then the unit had to request for blood from the blood bank. In the mean time, my dad was just sitting there weak, panting and cold. We had to take turns to keep him warm. We waited for 4 hours for the blood from the blood bank. apparently my dad’s blood has high level of antibody, so they need to run tests to find the right match. Cannot use our blood, as that will take longer hours. So there we were waiting, and the supply of blood finally came in about 1130pm and then he had to continue doing dialysis, he stopped when he has 90 minutes left.

KT, you know im not trying to scare you. Its just that things like this happen. I hope this wouldn’t happen to your mum.

And btw, doctor said it was a miracle he can wake up. Its like cheating death. He lost a lot of blood, WHILE doing dialysis. the machine generates flow, it does have an impact to his heart which was already weak. But my dad is a fighter, we both know that from our previous conversation, right? :P

And he is okay now, he said he doesnt remember anything. and he has moved on. But I haven’t. my dad was so close to dying, and its just because the needle was loose. Crazy.


sorry the mail was too casual. some of the sentences were written in bahasa melayu so had to translate it. sorry for some discontinuity.

i left work a bit late this morning, and i was looking for my dad so i can hug him. and there he was, gardening. as if nothing happened.

dad, youre my hero. youre the greatest fighter i have ever known. i love you.

Monday, July 19, 2010

thinspiration part three.

"Food is not comfort, it's not a method of coping. Changing how you think about food and its role in your life will help you think, and live, like a healthy person."



To reach your weight loss goal (or any goal, for that matter), you must develop a set of skills that will help you become successful, says Howard Rankin, PhD, psychologist for the international support group TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly), and author of The TOPS Way to Weight Loss: Beyond Calories and Exercise.

Some of the skills that will help you live your way to a thinner, healthier body, says Rankin, are:

  • Patience. Take things one step at a time. Give up one of your "downfall" foods at a time, for example, not all of them at once.
  • Visualization. Think about a specific situation you're going to encounter and how you will deal with it. "See" yourself going out to dinner and eating a healthy meal.
  • Accountability. Rely on a support group, friends, or even a therapist to whom you have to report.
  • Self-control. Realize that every time you resist successfully, you're developing self-control. Congratulate yourself each time you do this.
  • Goal-setting. Think in terms of small goals. You don't need to lose 60 pounds; all you need to lose is one pound next week. Each small goal you achieve will reinforce your motivation and set you up for success.
  • Journaling. Keep a written account of your actions, your thoughts, and your feelings, as well as what you eat. This not only increases your self-awareness, but also helps you let out feelings you may try to "stuff" back in with food.
  • Assertiveness. Learn to say no. Ask yourself, "Is this going to get me closer to my goal or further away?"

Previous posts on thinspiration:

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Me and you.

I'm doing the best I can to accommodate my family, boyfriend, friends, work and myself. A little understanding would be nice.

Cuz my life is not as easy as it looks.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

i cried. for real.

may i never ever be apart from my loved ones.

p/s: keri hilson is so purdy

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

thinspiration part two.

dudddeee. they even have music for this!

and i would like to reblog this:

Think skinny.

If you think like a skinny person, you’ll be the tiny little princess you dream. Just pretend you are one. Play the game. Acting like this, contributes to make it real.

You’ll feel better, confident. You’ll improve your self-esteem. You will eat less, like beautiful girls do. Mentally you will become a skinny girl.

If you keep that attitude, sooner or later your body will change. And you’ll be lightweight, thin, easy to carry in the arms of any guy.

i like :)


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

i need to allocate some time and a lot of effort to:
  1. get a nice and modern looking profile pictures for my facebook and twitter accounts. (oh come on, like you dont take this half-seriously too ;) and yeah, im planning to have two different pictures for each LOL vain)
  2. reorganize my bedroom. gotta take all posters, postcards, post-its and pictures off the walls. i am a grown woman, my bedroom should potray that right? ill prolly change the theme too, current theme is orange and yellow LOL 17 much?
  3. continue scrapbooking.
  4. read. i have like 7 books waiting. i really really should stop buying books.
okayy thats it for now. i have learnt that my lists must be realistic cuz umm umm im a lazy ass :P

so yeah, thats my new project for the next 3 months. apart from losing weight, of course. yup, im still on it :)


Monday, July 12, 2010

yoko furusho.

i wish i could draw like that.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Last weekend.

I'm so thankful about the fact that my parents didn't even say anything about last weekend. Not even a word.

Thank you for understanding, bubbah.

I have a weird sleeping pattern.

I usually go to bed around 10pm. And I will find myself awake from 230am till 430am. I can only sleep again after that.

This sucks cuz on weekdays I have to wake up at 545am for work.

Hmm, I guess that explains my eyebags.

Me no likey, I want to have an uninterrupted sleep pleaaaassseeeee.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Just expressing my feelings.

I hate the fact that I can't share my sorrow, my weaknesses, my arguments about fairness in the world w you - without having you go all explosive, bitter or angry at me for being weak.

Don't be such a girl, you say.

Well hello, I am a girl and sometimes I just want to complain about my life.

It is hard being a lady who is always underestimated by everyone around her, and judged by her looks most of the time, exposed to sexual harassment at the workplace, having to smile and console a friend even when her own world is secretly falling apart, maintain politeness and good manners even when she is wronged or mocked about being fat, still be a good daughter/sister/girlfriend when all of her energy was drained by pleasing the people she didn't even like at the office etc etc.

Apart from showing a good front and poker facing all the time, sometimes I just want to let loose, complain and cry.

I don't need you to fix it, I know most of them are not your fault and beyond your control. I just want to be heard.

I know you were right, I mustve done something wrong to deserve such a life. Maybe blogging about this is one of them.

But I guess I deserve some compassion.
Or not.

Its okay, I'm used to it anyway.

P/s: this post is not meant to embarrass anybody, it is solely about me complaining about my life. And please bare in mind that this post is obviously one sided and was written when I was terribly upset. Thank you.

Currently reading:

Eat, pray and love by elizabeth gilbert.

Yea I'm pretty left behind, I know :P

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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Mermaids and me.

Zimster: you know, I had a fun dream last night. We went fishing and you caught a big fish. We had a great time.

Me: really? You're cute. :) I wanna fish for mermaids.

Zimster: haha you're naughty.

Me: I wanna steal their hair laa, what were you thinking? :P

Zimster: nothing haha

Boys will be boys, teehee ;)

P/s: me, fishing? Not a chance honey :P

Dear me,

Playtime is over. Its time to be serious.


Monday, July 5, 2010


@faisalpae sent me a link, and guess what its a link to my myspace account HAHA goshh that thing is like ancient wey.

anyway, here's the link if you feel like dropping by www.myspace.com/kristinabehr

why kristinabehr? the name was taken from this song

zimsterr dedicated the song to me, and i fell in love w it. it was many many years ago, before we even dated. i have always been his kristinabehr i guess :P


so i opened up my myspace blog and found a few funny entries. and i feel like reposting this one.

dont be fooled.

my smile could simply mean one of these things:

1. thank you

2. im happy to see you

3. i understand

4. i think youre an idiot

5. i hate you

6. go to hell

so. think again.


link to myspace blog: click here.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Welcome home, Ibanez :)

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Saturday, July 3, 2010

Karate Kid.

I cried 10 times while watching the movie.
I'm such a softie its not cool.

meet the parents.

going to meet his parents formally tonight at his brother's wedding, and im as nervous as a cow about to be slaughtered.
omg i can barely breathe.
my mum called me early in the morning to show the options of clothes she has laid down for me.
and dad asked whether im going to wear my hair up or down.


i hope i wont mess up.
i have the tendency to spill drinks when im nervous. or trip. oh dear god, please dont let me trip and fall on my butt.

smile, how am i supposed to smile?
teeth or no teeth?
i dont want to be seem overly excited or downright passive.

just be myself, just be myself, thats what he said.

should i crack a joke? no?

ohh dammit i need to loosen up.
going for a run on treadmill and burn my nervousness off.
omg what if they say i too fat for him?

okay okay i better stop before i kill myself.


Friday, July 2, 2010

Sibling rivalry.

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Tuesday, June 29, 2010


i guess its no longer a secret. im just another girl struggling to be thin. why, you ask?

heres 30 reasons why:
  1. so that i can try on clothes without wanting to stay in the fitting room, curl up into a ball, and die.
  2. so that every and any photos taken of me from any angle will look good.
  3. so that i wont be the fattest girl out of my friends.
  4. so that all my old expensive clothes fit again.
  5. so that my cheek bones will resurface.
  6. because skinny girls can get away with wearing any outfit or having any style or making any face.
  7. so that i wont look like a messy slob with no self control.
  8. so that my arm flab doesnt spread out when i rest my arms aside.
  9. so that my breasts gets smaller.
  10. so that my back wont hurt from standing up straight and holding the breasts up.
  11. so that people whisper about how skinny ive gotten behind my back.
  12. so that when i sit, no matter what im wearing my tummy remains one flat perfect board.
  13. so that i never have to worry about love handles oozing over the edges of my jeans.
  14. so that i can rush out of the house in jeans and a tshirt and look like a model.
  15. so that my boyfriend will be proud to show me off to his friends and family.
  16. so that i dont have to wake up in the morning without trying on a million and a half outfits and looking fat in each one.
  17. so that my self control, my amazing discipline shines through for everyone to see.
  18. so that i dont have to worry about my shirt riding up and exposing my round tummy.
  19. so that there is a space between my legs.
  20. so that the shorter the shorts, the better.
  21. so that ill be referred to as the skinny one.
  22. so that my boyfriend can hoist me over his shoulders with ease, especially during concerts.
  23. so that my collar bones could poke an eye out.
  24. so that my hip bones will hurt people when i hug them.
  25. so that no matter what angle, or how hard i try it is physically impossible for me to have more than one chin.
  26. so that my shoulder blades are literally blades.
  27. so that nobody even remembers that chubby girl i used to be.
  28. so that im delicate and graceful.
  29. because no one wants a fat daughter, best friend or girlfriend.
  30. because everything, i mean every single thing about my life will be better when i am finally skinny.
below are some skinny foxes, my thinspiration.

of course im not trying to as skinny as they are, that will prolly take me 100 years.
i just wanna be skinnier than i am now.

aaaannndd this is me,

wish me luck?


i think im obsessed with happy looking couples.


I hate having unsettled thoughts before I go to bed. Cuz they will leave me wide awake early in the morning. And the silence allows me to evaluate every single aspect of my life and of course that will leave me even more disturbed.

I think too much, even in my sleep.

I rarely feel safe.

And I hate it.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Why don't you just grab a knife and stab my heart.

Possessive mothers will be the death of me :'(

The end.


Ini adalah siri sms diantara saya dan kawan saya.

Kenapa saya tak suka HGB:
- rupa fizikalnya annoying. Kalau tengok rasa nak lempang.
- makan tak berhenti.
- lembab.
- malas. Makanan depan muka pun suruh orang ambik.
- tak menolong. Pinggan tu berat orang dah angkat kat depan muka dia pun tak faham bahasa nak angkat. (Refer to lembab).
- suka buat lawak bodoh.
- dalam training bukan dengar pun termenung tengok makanan.
Sekian, terima kasih.

Saya juga berpendapat yg sedemikian. Kalo bab makan memang kemain laju.. Nak print letterhead pon ckp x tau.. Biler org nak ajar terus ckp malas.. Kalau awak raser nak lempang, sy lak raser nak sepak.

Jika berada di dalam meeting atau/dan di office, jangan kuat makan.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Mad Men.

Just watched a few episodes of Mad Men and I'm in love. No, I'm not cheap. The show is THAT good :)

On a separate note, I miss my boyfriend. We have only been apart for like 4 hours, and I miss him terribly already. But I kinda like this tingly feeling, its interesting. And I think I want to enjoy it for a couple of days.

Okay I know this is random but I like being random - good luck, in whatever you do ;)

Friday, June 25, 2010