Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Arrested for dreaming?

I was driving home from work when I was asked to pull over by a patrol car. Without wanting to create a scene, I pulled over and rolled down my window.

A few seconds later, a policeman came and asked me the usual- name, ID and walked around my car as if to find faults or something.

My mind was racing, my heart was beating fast. Was I on the phone? No. Did I took over a car? No. Did I drive dangerously? No.

I was in the middle lane, driving happily at 80 km/h. I don't think I did anything wrong.

When I finally could muster the courage to speak, I asked the policeman 'what's the matter? What did I do?'

He said 'you were dreaming'.

Are you kidding me?

'How did you know?' I asked.

The policeman showed me a device which he was holding behind his back the whole time. It looked like a hair dryer, but there's a screen attached to it. In the screen showed a few sinusidal waves on a black coloured grid.

He said 'this, is a dream catcher. We will be able to tell if there is anyone who is dreaming while driving'.

Unable to say anything, I just stared at him.

'You're guilty for dreaming of justin timberlake's abs and scarlett johansson's boobs', he continued.

Again, another blank stare. How did he know? Embarrassed, I looked down.

And then I felt myself smiling, realising that I was day dreaming about all of the above and told myself that I ought to blog this later. Haha.

So that's what this is about. This is one of my day dreaming series.

Thank you for your time ;)

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

you have broken my heart.

dashboard confessional is NOT coming to malaysia.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I tak kacau, you jangan kacau I please?


I'm begging you :(

I don't understand why people feel like its okay to ejek me. And I face that, every. single. day.

Today I had someone told me I look like kelly clarkson. Yeah I was thin before, get over it. Stop giving me remarks about how I've gained weight, I KNOW THAT. Its not like I haven't noticed.

Stop telling me I have fat legs, fat arms, etc etc. It hurts okay?

It might be a joke to you, but its not funny to me. An insult is still an insult no matter how nonchalantly you say it.

I often wonder, why do people keep bringing me down? What did I ever do to them? Am I an easy target? Did I asked for it?

Honestly, I don't know.

And I tak kacau gf you, I tak kacau bf you, don't kacau mine please.

Don't ajak my boyfriend go hunting for girls. He loves me, accept it. If you think I'm not good enough for him, that's his call. Not yours.

Say if I ajak your gf go looking for boys, you'd be pissed too right?

So please. Please please please I'm begging you :(

I tak kacau you, please don't kacau me.

Thank you.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

oops, girl crush.

alexa chung <3

i am soooo gonna cut my hair like this :))

i love her style. simple but nice.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

my alter ego.

damn i love her!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Friday, April 16, 2010

hands down.

have you heard?
dashboard confessional is coming to malaysia!

yup, thats what i said.

so in the spirit of singing along to the concert,
ive started youtube-ing their live performances teehee.

and here are a couple of great videos of 'hands down'.

the crowd was awesoooommmeeeehhhhhhh in the first video.

and chris carrabba was amazing in this one.

enjoy :)

when will i ever see you again?

spot on.

It's friday!

‎​A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'


Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

I wonder.

Will things get better?
Will I ever be enough for someone?
Will I get it right?

If not,
Will I at least be happy?

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

you raised me up.

ohh i love you, you random, motivational, moving and brutally honest quotes.
you keep me going.

"forget about all the reasons why something may not work.
you only need to find one good reason why it will."
-dr. robert anthony.

"i think what weakens people most is fear of wasting their strength."
-etty hillesum.

"The hardest thing ever is taking chances. Because you can only take so much pain. And you can only get hurt so many times before you create a bubble around yourself to avoid any more scars. And then you end up never really living at all. So we deal with pain. We take chances and we take risks, because either way we’re going to lose, and it’s going to hurt."

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You’ll have your heart broken and you’ll break others’ hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you’ll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you’ve never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone’s hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don’t be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."

"no matter what you feel;
get up,
dress up,
show up."

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

this, will make you feel good and miserable, both at the same time.

i wasnt lying, was i?

an open letter for hazim mohamad.

Hi baby,

I'm sorry for doing it this way. Truth is I don't want to text you or email you cuz I don't want to annoy you any more than I already did.
I didnt write this on a card or a piece of paper or in my moleskine either cuz I'm not sure when will I ever see you again.
So I'm writing it here in my blog, for you to find this whenever you feel like checking for my updates. Whenever you feel like it. Not gonna force you to listen to me anymore.

Watching lipstick jungle on starworld just now made me realize a few things. We were very much like brooke shields and her husband in that series.

Baby, I've had my time. You were kind enough to let me live life the way I wanted to and you were so sweet, always accommodating me, following my mold.

You missed on a lot of football matches in uni because you had to go home during the weekends so we could talk on the phone. And there were many many times when you came down to perak to see me, to entertain me there. I'm sure I didn't show much appreciation back then but now that I've realized your effort, time and money spent in being w me, I thank you so so much for doing all that. I'm sorry I was too stupid to notice how kind you were and I am terribly sorry for taking you for granted.

And I have to admit we were struggling for quite a while and I moved back into the city. We were so used to having two separate lives we can't seem to fit in between. You ended up giving up on a lot of things to hang out w me, my brothers, entertaining my dads requests, running errands w me and the list goes on.

What I'm trying to say is, I understand if you need a little space. And I'm accepting the fact that its okay for you to be absorbed in your own life. Live, that's what you should do. And I won't stop you. I won't complain.

Because its your turn.

Now I have to admit that I am scared of having the rest of the world know how great you are. And people will start wanting to have a piece of you more and more. I'm afraid that I will eventually fall out of your life. Which explains why I am super insecure.

But like you said, I have to trust you. And I will.

You own my heart, hazim. It doesn't matter what you do, or what you dont do. Its doesn't matter what you have or what you don't have.

I love you for who you are, good or bad, in good health or not, sane or insane.

I hope to hear from you soon as I am missing you terribly already.

Nurhidayah Abd Rahman.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

run to you.

listen closely.

what does love got to do w it?

ive been going through a hard time recently.
yeah, thats me- always in a drama or something.
you dont like it?

umm sorry for that.

hi, to those who are still reading.

i guess the people who knows me and anyone whos been reading my emotional tweets and blog posts would know that i dont have a smooth sailing relationship. no i dont. but we often played along and succeeded at acting like things are okay.

we both love each other very much but we just cant seem to get it together :((

so ive been reading some articles from this anger management website (we are both angry and frustrated people) named and i find the articles very helpful.

i dont mean to highlight my problems to everyone. but coming across this website made me think about the what ifs. 'it would have been great if i knew all of this before' or 'things wouldve been different by now' etc etc.

so i would like to share some of the articles w you.

hope this helps:

Do you wonder why you put up with a continually angry partner, family member or friend? People who give too much, too soon and too easily often have neurotic needs that keep them in unhealthy relationships. Anger, the love addictions and codependency often go together to keep people in destructive situations. Anger kills romance and intimacy. It destroys the trust between two people and fuels betrayal until the good feelings of love disappear.

Love addictions come out of a neediness to be loved, which started when the young child was not loved and cared for in safe and supportive ways. Perhaps the baby was not wanted and picked up this message from the parents. Perhaps the child was criticized and scolded leaving her with a feeling of being flawed. Maybe she felt that she could never meet her parent's unrealistic expectations. Or decided that she was unworthy when she was rejected and abandoned by those she loved. All of these possibilities create insecurity and low self esteem in the child.

The person caught in addictive behavior goes through life trying to feel good but never making it. She seeks closeness and connection to try to make up for early feelings of loneliness and abandonment. And she invariably chooses partners who have anger and addiction issues of their own.

Real love is not about continued pain. It is about creating a partnership which each person cares and nurtures the other person.

*click title for the full article.

Remember when you first fell in love with your partner and how the world was so rosy and your partner was simply wonderful? And how you felt deeply connected and understood? Ahhh, the joys of the early part of relationship.

What we really want is to be truly understood. And to be really seen by the person we care about. To find someone who can read our minds and meet our needs. To find true love and intimacy that lasts a lifetime. To be loved unconditionally by our partner. We want love especially when we are angry and wounded by our partner. We want to stay in that euphoric space of new love. To get the 'Happy Ever After' promised by fairy tales.

But despite our deep longing to be connected with the one we choose to be with, Happy Ever After rarely happens. Most often, when one partner is angry, the other person becomes angry back or shuts down. During conflict, the two partners disconnect from each other. The relationship suffers as people become disillusioned with their partner. The two people may even secretly start to look for exits from the relationship. Common exits are addictions, silence and withdrawal, increased fighting, self-blame and depression, anxiety and threatening to leave the relationship.

The main purpose of a committed love relationship is to become a responsible loving adult and complete unresolved childhood issues.

*click title for the full article.

The most successful relationships have partners who are willing to hear and deal with the complaints. This means that the man must be willing to be influenced by the woman. The willingness to be influenced by each other and take complains seriously is a skill necessary for a happy relationship. Men who are willing to share the power with their wives get to have a happier relationship. Men who are typically less able to express themselves and withdraw from fights result in having a partner who holds on to anger. The woman seeks closure around an issue and remains angry when the problem is not solved.

Anger, per se does not destroy a relationship. It is how people DO their anger that creates problems in couples. Happy families know how to settle disputes without leaving scars.

*click title for the full article.

well i hope reading the articles help some of you who might be experiencing what im dealing with right now.

ive learnt that being angry doesnt get you anywhere. being in denial doesnt get you anywhere either.

reading the articles make me realize that letting go of my anger and frustration is crucial in order to have a grudge-free happy life.

and ive been living in denial all this while. i forced myself into believing that things are going to be okay, that things will get better.

but it wont.

he doesnt love me anymore. and im accepting it now.

cant blame the guy though, i am an ugly person i admit. insecure, controlling, obnoxious, its easy to conclude that i am a moron.

and i did something bad once. something im not proud of. my biggest regret, if not my only regret.

so yeah. i wont force him into loving me anymore. he wants to be free, and he deserves to be free.

so im letting go.

Friday, April 9, 2010

you make my soul hurt.

and im drowning in misery.

song of the day: Ara Batur (recorded at Abbey Road) - Sigur Ros.

i just want you to know that this is how you make me feel and that i HATE you so much i want you to die.

disclaimer: this post is not about my boyfriend. i love him to death.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Friday, April 2, 2010

there aint no rest for the wicked.

I was walking down the street
When out the corner of my eye,
I saw a pretty little thing approaching me.
She said I never seen a man,
Who looks so all alone,
Could you use a little company?
If you could pay the right price,
Your evening will be nice,
Or you can go and send me on my way,
I said you're such a sweet young thing,
Why'd you do this to yourself?
She looked at me and this is what she said.

Oh, there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Money don't grow on trees,
I got bills to pay,
I got mouths to feed,
There ain't nothing in this world for free.
I know I can't slow down,
I can't hold back
Though you know I wish I could,
Oh no there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Until we close our eyes for good.

Not even 15 minutes later,
I'm still walking down the street,
When I saw the shadow of a man creep out of sight,
And then he swept up from behind,
Put a gun up to my head,
He made it clear he wasn't looking for a fight,
He said give me all you've got,
I want your money not your life,
If you try to make a move I wont think twice,
I told him you can have my cash,
But first you know I've got to ask,
What made you want to live this kind of life?

He said there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Money don't grow on trees,I got bills to pay
I got mouths to feed
Ain't nothing in this world for free.
I know I can't slow down,
I can't hold back
Though you know I wish I could
Oh no there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Until we close our eyes for good.

Now a couple hours past,
And I was sitting in my house,
The day was winding down and coming to an end,
So I turned on the TV,
And flipped it over to the news,
And what I saw I almost couldn't comprehend,
I saw a preacher man in cuffs
Taking money from the church,
He stuffed his bank account with righteous dollar bills
But even still I can't say much
Because I know were all the same,
Oh yes we all seek out to satisfy those thrills.

You know there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Money don't grow on trees,
We got bills to pay
We got mouths to feed
Ain't nothing in this world for free.
Oh no
We can't slow down,
We can't hold back
Though you know we wish we could.
You know there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Until we close our eyes for good.