a sneak peak into the darkest side of my life.

its about my dad. if youre an existing reader, youd know that my dad is a sick man. he's a renal failure patient, and has to go for dialysis 3 times a week (mondays, wednesdays and fridays - 4 hours per session).

something happened last friday. below is an email (edited) i sent to a friend of mine, whose mother just started dialysis a couple of months ago.

sorry, im too lazy to write it properly.

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Hi KT,

Sorry I didnt get to email you yesterday. It was kinda hectic here.

Anyway, my dad went for his dialysis session last Friday, as usual. He fell asleep, my mum was sitting on front on him, reading.

But after awhile he had a seizure, foam was coming out of his mouth and he passed out. His face was pale, his body was cold, doctors, nurse and everybody was panicking and asked him to say a prayer (mengucap) but he didnt respond. Doctor pressed his chest a couple of times but to no avail. Then the doctor gave him a glucose shot and a few minutes later he was awake.

The cause? One of the needles was loose so blood was trickling out for god knows how long. The blood went through his shirt, his pants and then goes under the chair. And there was a huuuuuugeeeeee pool of blood. its like someone spilled a bucket of blood on the floor. Doctor said he lost about two pints of blood.

So I rushed from home bearing a fresh set of clothes and all that. when I got there my dad was just awake. He was soooooo weak and cold and panting. Changed his shirt, and moved him to another machine. KT, it was bad. There was blood everywhere, and im not exaggerating, the pool of blood was hugggeeee. I wanted to take a picture but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Hazim almost cried. The blood must have been trickling for about an hour, but nobody noticed. And theyre not all liquid, some of them are half solids, like mucus or something. Half of his shirt was drenched in blood. Pants also. his blood was everywhere, his pillow, his blanket, and on the floor.

And then the unit had to request for blood from the blood bank. In the mean time, my dad was just sitting there weak, panting and cold. We had to take turns to keep him warm. We waited for 4 hours for the blood from the blood bank. apparently my dad’s blood has high level of antibody, so they need to run tests to find the right match. Cannot use our blood, as that will take longer hours. So there we were waiting, and the supply of blood finally came in about 1130pm and then he had to continue doing dialysis, he stopped when he has 90 minutes left.

KT, you know im not trying to scare you. Its just that things like this happen. I hope this wouldn’t happen to your mum.

And btw, doctor said it was a miracle he can wake up. Its like cheating death. He lost a lot of blood, WHILE doing dialysis. the machine generates flow, it does have an impact to his heart which was already weak. But my dad is a fighter, we both know that from our previous conversation, right? :P

And he is okay now, he said he doesnt remember anything. and he has moved on. But I haven’t. my dad was so close to dying, and its just because the needle was loose. Crazy.

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sorry the mail was too casual. some of the sentences were written in bahasa melayu so had to translate it. sorry for some discontinuity.

i left work a bit late this morning, and i was looking for my dad so i can hug him. and there he was, gardening. as if nothing happened.

dad, youre my hero. youre the greatest fighter i have ever known. i love you.