Tuesday, December 29, 2009

we are built to survive certain tragedies.

Page 274.
Perhaps the most dangerous thing about falling in love, especially ill-fated love, is the way it can make you forget that you're a person with a life. I have seen far too many capable, healthy people with jobs and families and great apartments simply turn into puddles of self-pity all because of a star-crossed relationship that took a lousy turn. I never pictured myself as the type, but there I was, two weeks after George made his sudden and dramatic exit, barely working and barely getting through the day. It was like I'd just forgotten that I had an identity before George.

Page 276.
'I think so.'
'No, you don't. you've hurt his feelings, but that's not the damned problem.'
'It's not?'
'No, the damned problem is that you've embarrassed him. Men can take bullets, but they can't stand to be humiliated.'
'You're saying I should've shot him?'
'I'm saying you need to find a way to give him back the power. He can't come back without a reason or you're still in control. Say your piece and let him go. If he doesn't come back, I'll think of something more dramatic.'

Page 277.
He was making his way through the revolving door in that blue shirt with the white collar and cuffs that I liked so much. He looked worn, which was gratifying, and preoccupied. And sort of....empty. Where, I wondered, was the swagger that I so loved?
He saw me. Of course he saw me. The crazy girl in the middle of the street in the orange sweater was staring straight at him. How could he miss me?

Page 278.
The light changed and I made it across the third lane. He was only yards away and I ran.
'Wait!' I called. I caught his shoulder and he had to turn around.
'You were just going to run away and never speak to me again?' I demanded. 'It doesn't work that way! You don't get to do that.'
'I don't want to do this, Liza.'
'What? Me? Us? What is it that you don't want to do?'
'I'm not having this discussion in the middle of the street.' He barely looked at me. He just looked over my head like maybe I'd vanish if he just wanted it badly enough.

'Listen to me. I love you. I'm in love with you. There is no one in the world who I respect or admire or bloody trust more than you. And the rest of this is bullshit. The things I've said, the mistakes I've made. I was scared, George. I was just scared. Why don't you get that?'
I was saying it. I was saying everything I'd been unable, too afraid, to say for so long, and for the first time in my entire life I was actually allowing myself to mean it. But he wasn't looking at me.

'Sometimes,' he finally said, 'people should go with their instincts.'
'George, this is what I've been trying to tell you! My instincts were-'
'Not yours.' He paused. 'Mine.'

He looked at me in the eye for the first time. And there was a wall where I'd never seen on before.
'I don't think I understand.'
'I'm sorry,' he said. 'I have to go. Take care of yourself.'

I opened my mouth, but I couldn't make a sound. I wanted to evaporate, to lose consciousness, to sprain my ankle so he'd have to take me to the hospital and we could start all over again and this time I wouldn't fuck it up.
But I just stood there.
He turned away.

I watched him fade away.

--taken from a Little Black Dress book titled Right Before Your Eyes by Ellen Shanman.

i wasnt really sure why i totally typed those pages. but this scene is my favourite part of the book. the girl has a foul mouth, she said some crappy stuff and the guy totally caved in and dissapear. so she was trying to win him back but didnt try hard enough. and watched him fade away.

i guess what i really want to say is, FIGHT FOR YOUR LOVE. fight as hard as you might, dont expect things to be okay. it will never be okay if you dont do anything about it. i love to read, it teaches me things only books can. and you tend to understand more by reading, as you get entagled w the feelings and get to feel it somehow.

to those who are in love, love is a battlefield. thats nothing new. fight for your love. hold on to it, dont ever let go. great love dont come easy, so appreciate your partner.

to those who are looking for love, dont stop believing. its out there, all you need to do is open up and listen to your heart. being scared wont get you anywhere, heck, we are all scared. but that is what love is all about, being scared and trying out new things :)

with that, happy new year everybody.

to love, cheers.


Monday, December 28, 2009


so i went to singapore for a little get away last weekend.
it was fun.
and kinda annoying.
my friend was fined $400 for bringing in two ciggie boxes. two boxes kay, not cartons.
clothes and perfumes and shoes and make-ups are bloody cheap over there. not fair.
the food are just okay. hard to find halal food. maybe i was looking at the wrong places. *shrugs*
i like the mustafa mall. got imported chocolates. *drool*
my first bus ride, shah alam to jb. blergh.
my first out of the country trip w friends lol
first hooters experience. takde pun orang boobs besar sampai baju nak terkoyak. hampa jugak laa.
first time sleeping in a hostel. so not my thing. i cant even pee. only pooped on Day 4. yergh.
but i had so much fun hanging out w my friends. yeayy :)

sleeping in a bus.

hostel girls.

packed mrt.

soak up the sun :)

backpacking is so not my style.

oh, my life is changing everyday.

And now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don't hurt me
You're what I couldn't find
A totally amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You're everything to me

-Dreams, The Cranberries

its the ones you can call at 4am that matter.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I think I need a sunrise

my heart is breaking.

no, its not my boyfriend.
its work.

hmm, where do i start.
i am seconded to a project, a lousy one, till August 2009.
and it has been HELL.
i am trying to get out of here in April 2010, been scouting for a few positions.
ive got two escape plans, one wants me in march 2010, another is sometime mid next year.
and i was in the midst of updating my resume.
then thunder strikes.
i just heard that the CEO aka the Devil wants to extend my contract till end of 2o10.
apparently i am one of the unlucky ones.
he is going to meet Tan Sri H on the 5th of Jan to discuss this matter.
God, please shed some light.
please let Tan Sri H see how miserable we all are and not approve the extension plan.
we are all suffering here.
please take us back as soon as possible.

and i think this song explains what im feeling right now.

In the light of the sun
Is there anyone? Oh, it has begun
Oh dear, you look so lost
Your eyes are red, the tears are shed
This world you must have crossed, you said

You don't know me
And you don't even care, oh yeah
And you said, you don't know me
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah

Essential yet appealed
You carry all your thoughts across an open field
Where flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones who cry when they see you

You said you don't know me
And you don't even care, oh yeah
Well you said you don't know me
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah

She said I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name

I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover
And fly 'em out to Spain

Oh yeah and I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I was tired
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind

I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of Sunset
I hear it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice, oh yeah

You don't know me
And you don't even care, oh yeah

Boston, where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name, yeah

Boston, where no one knows my name

song of the day: boston by augustana.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

in the mood.

im in the mood to blog but i only have time for less than 140 characters.
ive been yapping at twitter 24/7 now, and twitter takes the art of crapping in more than 1000 words away from me.

and tumblr? dont get me started.
tumblr is whack okay.
it eradicates originality.
all they do is repost stuff, quotes, pictures and whatnot which are obviously not anyone's.
its like making ripping off legal.
shame on you tumblr-ers.

as you can see, im in a foul mood.
which is the best time to write.
and i finally found my ipod and im listening to my 2008 playlists.
so cute. lol

ive got songs like:
everclear - father of mine
afroman - because i got high
bittersweet - capital e
dance hall crashers - enough
ingrid michaelson - the way i am
jimmy eat world - the middle
jamie scott and the town - when will i see your face again
the calling - wherever you will go

okay i better stop naming songs lol

oh, did you know that wearing a black plastic rimmed glasses has a huge impact on men?
tak tau pulak all these men at my office are werewolves.
i walk by je, fewit fewit.
obviously you arent getting enough at home.
ladies, "feed" your man regularly please?

oops, gtg.
talk soon.

things that made my day: my 2008 playlists and blogging.
song of the day: staring at the sun by rooster <3