I'm tired. Exhausted. Upset. Deeply and greatly sad. I really need to get some sleep now but my mind is racing and can't seem to stop.
Something is bugging me. It's about an old friend I used to be best friends with. The one I used to act completely insane with. The one that I had fun doing silly things with. The one I couldn't stop thinking about but never really want to talk about it. The one whose picture is on my bedroom wall, along with my other good friends. The one I am not friends with anymore.
You see, I was wrong. I am brave enough to admit that. And hell yeah I am aware of that. I'm not proud of what I did. NEVER. I knew there were other ways of handling things but I chose the ugliest way possible. I purposely did that to hurt her. Only because I was deeply hurt too. We were young and aggressive, and when things didn't go our way, we bail. At least that's what I did. I walked out on her. Instead of talking to her like a sensible human being, I ran away. It was 2004, can't really recall what happened. But I was deeply hurt. And angry. My boyfriend of 4 years dumped me in 2003. That bastard crushed my heart to ashes. And then Inaaz left. It all got too much to bear I guess. I was depressed, in a non-exaggerating way. I even cried in class and at the cafe. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep and I spent most of the nights crying. The fights we had wasn't helping much and that must have influenced me to simply run away.
I felt bad about what I did ever since I walked out on her. I know I don't talk about it and I certainly don't show it. It hurts me too much to talk about her so it was kinda easier to bitch about her. That's my way of showing that I cared, I guess. Totally a girl thing. It does not mean that I'm not sorry. I am. I AM FREAKING SORRY. Always has, and always will.
If you're reading this, I AM REALLY REALLY REALLY SORRY. From the bottom of my heart.
But I'm just not strong enough to be the better person to patch things up again. I'm not asking anyone to take my side, I'm not asking anyone to tell me what I did wrong, I knew all that.
I'm just asking you to understand.
Finding Joy in the Mundane
2 days ago