Tomorrow.

I have been waiting for tomorrow for the past 2 months, and here it comes, just a few hours away and I am drenched in anxiety.

I'm sorry the reason is too personal for me to reveal, but rest assured that tomorrow will be a new beginning for me.

There are thousands of possibilities parading in my head, presenting itself one by one as if they're models posing at a casting.

I will be fine no matter what, right? I will be okay, I know I will. Even if I fall into an endless emotional black hole, please don't stop holding my hand, will you? YOU are my support. Yes you, the one who is reading this right now. You're reading this because you care and I thank you.

Anyway, this is weird for me to say but for once in my life, I hope I was wrong about all of this and that tomorrow, I will be the happiest girl on earth. We'll see :)

Have a nice weekend, everybody.
Talk soon, xx

Things that made my day.

-clear blue sky
-the beach
-cows crossing the road
-plane rides
-victoria secret
-durian

and the one that I will always remember, a conversation between me and the bf when he picked me up from the airport.

"Awak miss kita tak?"
"Miss" *smiled and squeezed my hand*

Ahhh, I'm a happy girl today :)

Hope things are well w you too.
xx

i dont care if it hurts,

i want to have control,

i want a perfect body,

i want a perfect soul.

How to have a simple life.

I figured this out today. And I'm blogging about it so I could remember this always always.

When things get hard, do what the good girls do: pretend as if nothing happened.

Yup.

progress?

i stumbled upon this website (http://www.calorieconnect.com) while i was browing for some thinspiration last week.

so created an account on monday and decided to give it a shot.

i have recorded my starting weight, my target weight, everything i ate, and my exercise routines for the last four days.

and this is my profile for today.

it made my day :)

thinspiration part four.

okayy, enough pictures of pretty girls. lets get real.

i found some thinspirational before & after pictures of real people.

seeing these photos make me believe. ready to be inspired?

go! ;)

IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

let's be healthy and pretty! :)

Previous posts on thinspiration:

thinspiration part one.

thinspiration part two.

thinspiration part three.

THANK YOU.

i realised that i dont say thank you enough and i want to change that.

i would like to thank YOU for giving me endless support. you are my rock.

i received quite a number of text messages, emails, phone calls, twitter replies and DMs lately. most of them regarding my dad and how was i coping w it, some were about my weight loss drama and some were simply checking on how i was doing. some even asked me about my dad face to face at a wedding, which i must admit, almost made me choke up in tears but i managed to control macho haha (phew). (if youre my close friends, youd know that i dont talk about my dad except here on my blog).

anyway, THANK YOU. SOOO MUCH.

may God bless you all :)

xx

skin care.

im thinking of changing my skin care line. any recommendations?

thanks.

a sneak peak into the darkest side of my life.

its about my dad. if youre an existing reader, youd know that my dad is a sick man. he's a renal failure patient, and has to go for dialysis 3 times a week (mondays, wednesdays and fridays - 4 hours per session).

something happened last friday. below is an email (edited) i sent to a friend of mine, whose mother just started dialysis a couple of months ago.

sorry, im too lazy to write it properly.

----------

Hi KT,

Sorry I didnt get to email you yesterday. It was kinda hectic here.

Anyway, my dad went for his dialysis session last Friday, as usual. He fell asleep, my mum was sitting on front on him, reading.

But after awhile he had a seizure, foam was coming out of his mouth and he passed out. His face was pale, his body was cold, doctors, nurse and everybody was panicking and asked him to say a prayer (mengucap) but he didnt respond. Doctor pressed his chest a couple of times but to no avail. Then the doctor gave him a glucose shot and a few minutes later he was awake.

The cause? One of the needles was loose so blood was trickling out for god knows how long. The blood went through his shirt, his pants and then goes under the chair. And there was a huuuuuugeeeeee pool of blood. its like someone spilled a bucket of blood on the floor. Doctor said he lost about two pints of blood.

So I rushed from home bearing a fresh set of clothes and all that. when I got there my dad was just awake. He was soooooo weak and cold and panting. Changed his shirt, and moved him to another machine. KT, it was bad. There was blood everywhere, and im not exaggerating, the pool of blood was hugggeeee. I wanted to take a picture but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Hazim almost cried. The blood must have been trickling for about an hour, but nobody noticed. And theyre not all liquid, some of them are half solids, like mucus or something. Half of his shirt was drenched in blood. Pants also. his blood was everywhere, his pillow, his blanket, and on the floor.

And then the unit had to request for blood from the blood bank. In the mean time, my dad was just sitting there weak, panting and cold. We had to take turns to keep him warm. We waited for 4 hours for the blood from the blood bank. apparently my dad’s blood has high level of antibody, so they need to run tests to find the right match. Cannot use our blood, as that will take longer hours. So there we were waiting, and the supply of blood finally came in about 1130pm and then he had to continue doing dialysis, he stopped when he has 90 minutes left.

KT, you know im not trying to scare you. Its just that things like this happen. I hope this wouldn’t happen to your mum.

And btw, doctor said it was a miracle he can wake up. Its like cheating death. He lost a lot of blood, WHILE doing dialysis. the machine generates flow, it does have an impact to his heart which was already weak. But my dad is a fighter, we both know that from our previous conversation, right? :P

And he is okay now, he said he doesnt remember anything. and he has moved on. But I haven’t. my dad was so close to dying, and its just because the needle was loose. Crazy.

-------

sorry the mail was too casual. some of the sentences were written in bahasa melayu so had to translate it. sorry for some discontinuity.

i left work a bit late this morning, and i was looking for my dad so i can hug him. and there he was, gardening. as if nothing happened.

dad, youre my hero. youre the greatest fighter i have ever known. i love you.

thinspiration part three.

"Food is not comfort, it's not a method of coping. Changing how you think about food and its role in your life will help you think, and live, like a healthy person."

-Astrachan-Fletcher.

*********

To reach your weight loss goal (or any goal, for that matter), you must develop a set of skills that will help you become successful, says Howard Rankin, PhD, psychologist for the international support group TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly), and author of The TOPS Way to Weight Loss: Beyond Calories and Exercise.

Some of the skills that will help you live your way to a thinner, healthier body, says Rankin, are:

• Patience. Take things one step at a time. Give up one of your "downfall" foods at a time, for example, not all of them at once.
• Visualization. Think about a specific situation you're going to encounter and how you will deal with it. "See" yourself going out to dinner and eating a healthy meal.
• Accountability. Rely on a support group, friends, or even a therapist to whom you have to report.
• Self-control. Realize that every time you resist successfully, you're developing self-control. Congratulate yourself each time you do this.
• Goal-setting. Think in terms of small goals. You don't need to lose 60 pounds; all you need to lose is one pound next week. Each small goal you achieve will reinforce your motivation and set you up for success.
• Journaling. Keep a written account of your actions, your thoughts, and your feelings, as well as what you eat. This not only increases your self-awareness, but also helps you let out feelings you may try to "stuff" back in with food.
• Assertiveness. Learn to say no. Ask yourself, "Is this going to get me closer to my goal or further away?"

Previous posts on thinspiration:

thinspiration part one.

thinspiration part two.

Me and you.

I'm doing the best I can to accommodate my family, boyfriend, friends, work and myself. A little understanding would be nice.

Cuz my life is not as easy as it looks.

i cried. for real.

may i never ever be apart from my loved ones.

p/s: keri hilson is so purdy

thinspiration part two.

dudddeee. they even have music for this!

and i would like to reblog this:

Think skinny.

If you think like a skinny person, you’ll be the tiny little princess you dream. Just pretend you are one. Play the game. Acting like this, contributes to make it real.

You’ll feel better, confident. You’ll improve your self-esteem. You will eat less, like beautiful girls do. Mentally you will become a skinny girl.

If you keep that attitude, sooner or later your body will change. And you’ll be lightweight, thin, easy to carry in the arms of any guy.

source: click.

i like :)

if you miss thinspiration part one, click here.

STAY STRONG AND STAY THIN.

i need to allocate some time and a lot of effort to:

1. get a nice and modern looking profile pictures for my facebook and twitter accounts. (oh come on, like you dont take this half-seriously too ;) and yeah, im planning to have two different pictures for each LOL vain)
2. reorganize my bedroom. gotta take all posters, postcards, post-its and pictures off the walls. i am a grown woman, my bedroom should potray that right? ill prolly change the theme too, current theme is orange and yellow LOL 17 much?
3. continue scrapbooking.
4. read. i have like 7 books waiting. i really really should stop buying books.

okayy thats it for now. i have learnt that my lists must be realistic cuz umm umm im a lazy ass :P

so yeah, thats my new project for the next 3 months. apart from losing weight, of course. yup, im still on it :)

toodaloo!

yoko furusho.

want more?

i wish i could draw like that.

Last weekend.

I'm so thankful about the fact that my parents didn't even say anything about last weekend. Not even a word.

Thank you for understanding, bubbah.

I have a weird sleeping pattern.

I usually go to bed around 10pm. And I will find myself awake from 230am till 430am. I can only sleep again after that.

This sucks cuz on weekdays I have to wake up at 545am for work.

Hmm, I guess that explains my eyebags.

Me no likey, I want to have an uninterrupted sleep pleaaaassseeeee.

Just expressing my feelings.

I hate the fact that I can't share my sorrow, my weaknesses, my arguments about fairness in the world w you - without having you go all explosive, bitter or angry at me for being weak.

Don't be such a girl, you say.

Well hello, I am a girl and sometimes I just want to complain about my life.

It is hard being a lady who is always underestimated by everyone around her, and judged by her looks most of the time, exposed to sexual harassment at the workplace, having to smile and console a friend even when her own world is secretly falling apart, maintain politeness and good manners even when she is wronged or mocked about being fat, still be a good daughter/sister/girlfriend when all of her energy was drained by pleasing the people she didn't even like at the office etc etc.

Apart from showing a good front and poker facing all the time, sometimes I just want to let loose, complain and cry.

I don't need you to fix it, I know most of them are not your fault and beyond your control. I just want to be heard.

I know you were right, I mustve done something wrong to deserve such a life. Maybe blogging about this is one of them.

But I guess I deserve some compassion.
Or not.

Its okay, I'm used to it anyway.

P/s: this post is not meant to embarrass anybody, it is solely about me complaining about my life. And please bare in mind that this post is obviously one sided and was written when I was terribly upset. Thank you.

Currently reading:

Eat, pray and love by elizabeth gilbert.

Yea I'm pretty left behind, I know :P

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Mermaids and me.

Zimster: you know, I had a fun dream last night. We went fishing and you caught a big fish. We had a great time.

Me: really? You're cute. :) I wanna fish for mermaids.

Zimster: haha you're naughty.

Me: I wanna steal their hair laa, what were you thinking? :P

Zimster: nothing haha

Boys will be boys, teehee ;)

P/s: me, fishing? Not a chance honey :P

Dear me,

Playtime is over. Its time to be serious.

Love,
You.

myspace.

@faisalpae sent me a link, and guess what its a link to my myspace account HAHA goshh that thing is like ancient wey.

anyway, here's the link if you feel like dropping by www.myspace.com/kristinabehr

why kristinabehr? the name was taken from this song

zimsterr dedicated the song to me, and i fell in love w it. it was many many years ago, before we even dated. i have always been his kristinabehr i guess :P

anyway.

so i opened up my myspace blog and found a few funny entries. and i feel like reposting this one.

dont be fooled.

my smile could simply mean one of these things:

1. thank you

2. im happy to see you

3. i understand

4. i think youre an idiot

5. i hate you

6. go to hell

so. think again.

teehee.

link to myspace blog: click here.

Welcome home, Ibanez :)

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Karate Kid.

I cried 10 times while watching the movie.
I'm such a softie its not cool.

meet the parents.

going to meet his parents formally tonight at his brother's wedding, and im as nervous as a cow about to be slaughtered.

omg i can barely breathe.

my mum called me early in the morning to show the options of clothes she has laid down for me.

and dad asked whether im going to wear my hair up or down.

oh.my.god.

i hope i wont mess up.

i have the tendency to spill drinks when im nervous. or trip. oh dear god, please dont let me trip and fall on my butt.

smile, how am i supposed to smile?

teeth or no teeth?

i dont want to be seem overly excited or downright passive.

just be myself, just be myself, thats what he said.

should i crack a joke? no?

ohh dammit i need to loosen up.

going for a run on treadmill and burn my nervousness off.

omg what if they say i too fat for him?

okay okay i better stop before i kill myself.

tata.

Sibling rivalry.

LOL
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